Leaving: How I Set Myself Free from an Abusive Marriage

 By Kanchan Bhaskar

She Writes Press    2023

249 pages     Memoir

Kanchan Bhaskar was born and raised in New Delhi, but she has lived in the United States since the early 2000s, currently in Chicago. Encouraged by a therapist to write down her inspiring journey, Kanchan Bhaskar has written a memoir of life in an arranged marriage and how she escaped to live a productive life in the United States.

Kanchan was raised in an Indian family, where her parents cared for each other and spread that love to their children. Her mother was an educated, career-minded woman, and her father loved her and their children deeply. Kanchan, then, had very little understanding about how badly a wife and mother could be treated in the more patriarchal Indian society into which she married—in an arranged marriage, of course.

 The new husband, Vijay, was attractive and charming, but narcissistic and an alcoholic. Very early in the marriage he began hitting and abusing her, begging her forgiveness each time he sobered up. It was absolutely more than she could bear, and she plotted how she could escape this abuse with her three children. She knew that this could not happen in India, so her freedom from Vijay would not be possible until she arrived in the United States.

 Kanchan says at one point that she would not become the “frog trapped inside the well.” Several times she escaped to her parents’ home, always encouraged by Vijay to return—that next time it would be different. Of course, as we read her story, we know that next time will not be different.  When she exerts her freedom ultimately, we cheer that she has developed a clear sense of her self and her soul. She has developed an incredible power to achieve her freedom and tell her story.

Leaving  is difficult to read while at the same time restorative. Kanchan suggests that a woman must gather her innate strength and her inner spirituality in order to become the woman she was meant to be. I can see why her therapist suggested that she tell her story so that other women stuck in abusive relationships can learn to grow and thrive. I was so impressed how she learned to get in touch with her soul and pass on her strength to her children. One of the most touching aspects of this memoir is the dedication written by her daughter. The daughter suggests that she and her brothers were not important enough to their father for him to make any effort to change. She concludes, “Thankfully, we were—and are—important enough to our mother, who left him for the sanity of us all.”

Here is an outstanding You Tube video of an interview with Kanchan Bhaskar. I received the memoir from the author’s publicist. I believe that Leaving will be valuable for therapists to use with women suffering through abusive relationships, as well as for women wanting to read stories of feminist empowerment. The memoir is published this week.