The Girl in the Red Boots: Making Peace with My Mother

 By Judith Ruskay Rabinor PhD

She Writes Press     2021

271 pages     Memoir

Can a mother be both loving and selfish? Caring and thoughtless? Deceitful and devoted? These are the questions that fuel psychologist Dr. Judy Rabinor’s quest to understand her ambivalence toward her mother. Her book, The Girl in the Red Boots, was published yesterday. I have been pondering how and why it landed so heavily on my heart and mind.

Each child in a family has a different relationship with his/her mother. Rabinor asserts that the type of relationship you establish with your mother in early childhood lasts throughout your life—particularly if it is a mother-daughter relationship. Rabinor is an expert in eating disorders and many of the stories in the book deal with young women who were her patients as they explored their relationships with food. She discovered that many of those relationships to food were governed by the young women’s  relationships with their mothers. While dealing with them, she was able to explore her complicated relationship with her own mother and relates how she finally came to a resolution after many years of struggle.

She says in the prologue: “Stories are great teachers; they have to power to heal. The tales from my office and my life may help you untangle your stuck places and develop compassion for yourself and, possibly, for your mother.” She begins each section with a story suggestion to guide readers in their thinking as they read that chapter. She guides the readers to look inward as they grow in the understanding of their own relationships and their own family histories. Her narrative is a powerful memoir as well as a self-help guide.

Rabinor remarks that one of her mother’s best quotes was “You’ll be fine! Everything will work out—you’ll see.” Oops! I remember several times I said the same thing to my daughter. She goes on to say that what she yearned for was her mother’s genuine empathic presence. My own mother was very busy and most likely I had moments when I wished for more of my mother’s presence. On the other hand, my mother had a career at a time when most mothers were stay-at-home, and I was very proud of that. If I were to have this discussion with my sisters, I know that each of their stories would be different. Judith Rabinor is just my age, so perhaps the book resonated so well with me because some of our life experiences were similar, although I don’t have as many negative feelings about my mother as Rabinor had about her mother.

In one passage that reverberated with me,  she asked women at a convention to introduce themselves by saying a very revealing sentence or two. Here is an example. “I’m Julie, daughter of Ruth. I was welcomed to the world of womanhood by Ruth, queen of secrets.” After much thought, I created my introduction: “I am Miriam, daughter of Evelyn. I was welcomed to the world of womanhood by Evelyn, whose goal in life was to please her husband.” Much discussion could follow.

I found The Girl in the Red Boots to be a very challenging and revealing book, and I would recommend it to people as they seek to define or redefine their lives. The Kirkus reviewer called it “a contemplative, cleareyed study of family dynamics.”

Judith Rabinor’s website.