by Ross W. Greene, PhD
Scribner 2016
281 pages Nonfiction
The Shortlist
At a family picnic the other day, my granddaughter (age 5)
was having a hard time focusing on eating her dinner. There was a lot of food
on her plate, and she had touched none of it. My daughter said to her, "I
think that you have two options here: one option is to just sit here staring at
your plate until the picnic is over. The other option is to come up with a
solution with me about how much you need to eat and then eat that amount so
that you can go and play." My granddaughter decided that the second option
was the best. She said that she was worried that there was too much food on her plate. She and her
mother figured out the amount she needed to eat; she ate quickly; and then got
up to go play with her cousins. One of her aunts watched the entire exchange
and remarked, "Gee, I wish I had known that strategy 10 years ago when I
needed it."
In his excellent book, Raising Human Beings, Dr. Ross Greene has created a plan to encourage
collaborative partnerships between parents and children that can help to resolve
the many scenarios that parents and children have to negotiate on the pathway
to adulthood. The goal, of course, is for parents to help their children develop
skills to become independent without becoming adversarial.
To go back to my granddaughter's food situation. Dr. Greene
suggests three sets of options, One option is Plan A, the plan in which the
parents are in control. "You are going to sit there until you finish that
food." Plan B is the plan my daughter chose. It takes into account the
child's problem and together they seek to find a solution. Plan B actively uses
three steps (empathy, define adult concerns, and invitation) to establish
understanding and work in partnership to come up with solutions that address
every party’s concerns.
Dr. Greene also
offers Plan C in which the parent defers to the child's skills, beliefs,
values, preferences, personality traits and goals. An example of this would be
another granddaughter's decision not to play soccer anymore and to try out for
the cheerleading squad, instead. Still athletic but more social. Her parents deferred to
her decision-making skills, even though her father was disappointed because soccer had been an interest that they shared.
Raising Human Beings has a child rearing plan that goes way
beyond the "Because I said so!" form of decision making to a much
more collaborative and affirming style of parenting. Ultimately the child becomes
a far more confident decision maker—ready and able to become independent. The
reviewer in Publisher's Weekly
concludes: "This book is a game-changer for parents, teachers, and other
caregivers of children. Its advice is reasonable and empathetic, and readers
will feel ready to start creating a better relationship with the children in
their lives."
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